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eblnyc
03-06-08, 7:04 pm
the anorexic mind is quite complex and twisted to say the least..i have been tinkering with idea of starting a log about my recovery as a way of dealing with it..let me tell you this has not been easy for me,eating is the hardest thing i have to do..every day is a fuckin struggle to get all those meals in..even now i obess over every crumb i put into my mouth. I have to tell myself you never gonna get stronger without all that food..sometimes it works and sometimes not...as time passes my mind has become more clear to whats real not the imaginary fat chic in the mirror..she doesn't exist..i will start from the beginning and work my way to the present as this log progresses..believe me it won't be pretty at times and my selfloathing will shine through but iam doing this for me..

widdlewade44
03-06-08, 7:42 pm
I feel your hardship...I honor your courage with what you are going through and how far you have traveled.

Kevin
widdlewade44

Weakness
03-08-08, 4:19 pm
Strenght and courage, you are not alone.

Cellerator65
03-08-08, 4:22 pm
speak your mind, we are all here to listen and help

sanga
03-08-08, 4:28 pm
the anorexic mind is quite complex and twisted to say the least..i have been tinkering with idea of starting a log about my recovery as a way of dealing with it..let me tell you this has not been easy for me,eating is the hardest thing i have to do..every day is a fuckin struggle to get all those meals in..even now i obess over every crumb i put into my mouth. I have to tell myself you never gonna get stronger without all that food..sometimes it works and sometimes not...as time passes my mind has become more clear to whats real not the imaginary fat chic in the mirror..she doesn't exist..i will start from the beginning and work my way to the present as this log progresses..believe me it won't be pretty at times and my selfloathing will shine through but iam doing this for me..


I urge you very strongly to start a log mate, do it today, write your thoughts, experiences and feelings, we will read it, comment, add some advice, sympathise and be behind you all the way.

Full respect to you mate, I know this isn`t easy, starting a log will give you a place to vent, talk, think and reflect on daily, it will keep you motivated and focussed on your goals.

GO FOR IT!

Malloy1344
03-08-08, 5:18 pm
consider me subbed.

Vinny G
03-09-08, 9:45 pm
a deeper look into a demented mind ?

your not demented.....your one of us, an ANIMAL.

your on the right path, and we got your back.

Lowdown5
03-09-08, 9:47 pm
Subbed.

Hercules
03-09-08, 9:49 pm
...i am doing this for me..

That's what matters most. We're all behind you every step of the way...

Themostocles
03-10-08, 3:34 am
The closest thing I have to a sister is/was bulemic. Most people see it as insane, but is often a normal reaction to a fucked up situation. Your mind/heart should have never been placed in that situation, and it goes 'what the fuck' and doesn't know how to react. Besides society sees most of us as demented. Like GDiesel said, muscle dysmorphia is a bitch. I know everytime I look in the mirror I see something that isn't true. You got thousands of animals to stand beside you or help you up if you fall. -T.

eblnyc
03-13-08, 9:24 pm
i didnt always live in nyc..i grew up in ct in a very wealthy town..my parents had alot of money..all the kids i went to school with were from money too..i never quite fit in with any of them.i was overweight and the kids were fuckin mean as hell to me..i could never figure out why but they were but i got even with all of them but thats later on..anyways i took there shit for a very long time plus i was taking shit at home too..my dad was always up my ass about being overweight and every other fuckin thing i did..the funny thing is he was never home,one week a month he was there other than that he was in florida fucking his girlfriend or in maine at his other businesses..i never really saw him but when i did it was a nightmare..god this is harder than i thought it would be..i still remember being called ellen the watermelon like it was yesterday..(fuckers)

Themostocles
03-14-08, 12:40 am
Take your time. Sharing memories means reliving them, and that is never easy. -T.

killyouintheface
03-14-08, 10:29 pm
the anorexic mind is quite complex and twisted to say the least..i have been tinkering with idea of starting a log about my recovery as a way of dealing with it..let me tell you this has not been easy for me,eating is the hardest thing i have to do..every day is a fuckin struggle to get all those meals in..even now i obess over every crumb i put into my mouth. I have to tell myself you never gonna get stronger without all that food..sometimes it works and sometimes not...as time passes my mind has become more clear to whats real not the imaginary fat chic in the mirror..she doesn't exist..i will start from the beginning and work my way to the present as this log progresses..believe me it won't be pretty at times and my selfloathing will shine through but iam doing this for me..

I know a little bit about struggle. About looking in the mirror and hating the person looking back at you.

Change is hard, and it is seldom a pretty or graceful process. As you go along your path, you will learn the value of struggle, of forging yourself into something of your own making. Be at peace, Animal.

eblnyc
03-24-08, 8:56 pm
my parents split up when i was 12..i will never forget it..it was christamas and i have hated that fuckin holiday ever since..things were tough on my mom because her whole marriage she was a housewife and dad was the wealthy one..so i went from having everything to having nothing in the blink of an eye..this was the beginning of the new phase in my life..i started partying at 14 like a rock star and my anger toward everyone escalated,my freshman year in high school i was suspended 5 times alone for fighting that was when i went to school..i beat the shit out of so many of the people who used to tease me when i was little..i swear if shooting people at school was as popular then as it is now i would have done that shit then..my anger and drug use was so out of control that even i got into a fight with my mom and decked her too..i was sent away after that incident..

Lowdown5
03-24-08, 8:59 pm
my parents split up when i was 12..i will never forget it..it was christamas and i have hated that fuckin holiday ever since..things were tough on my mom because her whole marriage she was a housewife and dad was the wealthy one..so i went from having everything to having nothing in the blink of an eye..this was the beginning of the new phase in my life..i started partying at 14 like a rock star and my anger toward everyone escalated,my freshman year in high school i was suspended 5 times alone for fighting that was when i went to school..i beat the shit out of so many of the people who used to tease me when i was little..i swear if shooting people at school was as popular then as it is now i would have done that shit then..my anger and drug use was so out of control that even i got into a fight with my mom and decked her too..i was sent away after that incident..


Great look inside your mind...............

eblnyc
03-24-08, 9:09 pm
Great look inside your mind...............
it will get more fucked up as i go along..i got alot of skeletons in my closet big pimpin..

Lowdown5
03-24-08, 9:13 pm
it will get more fucked up as i go along..i got alot of skeletons in my closet big pimpin..



Me too, alot!!!!

Big Wides
03-24-08, 9:17 pm
consider me subbed here, thanks for letting us into your life

and you dont have a demented mind, your a strong person ellen

Phil800101
03-25-08, 7:29 pm
Consider me subbed.

I know this must not be an easy thing to open up about and share with others. Thank you for sharing with us, nothing but respect to you for doing so, it takes a lot of courage I'm sure. You've got all our support here.

eblnyc
04-02-08, 6:33 pm
its one thing to sign yourself in to a treatment facility but to be sent there when you are unwilling is another ball of wax all together..after i hit my mom,my parents both decided i needed to be sent away for treatment..i told them good luck keeping me there..the first treatment place i was sent to was a lockdown facility..no escape..i was there for three months and the doctors decided that another program would be more suitable so i was moved to a group home but within two weeks i took off with one of the councelor's cars because i wanted to go to a concert and nobody was stopping me..i was arrested for that and off to juvi i went..i spent 6 months of a two year sentence for auto theft and was released to drug rehab..i ran away from that place too..fuck all i wanted to do was go home..finally my mom and the courts decided i could be realeased into my mom care as long as i still went though treatment,so i lived at home but went to a school that was a treatment place as well until my 18th b-day..if i fucked up i was going away to prison for a long time..this stage was about the time i started toying with starvation..rehab and juvi make you fat..

eblnyc
04-13-08, 5:41 pm
on my 18th b-day i was free..no more therapy or lockdown,nada..i lost alot of time being stupid..i had a difficult time reajusting to living a regular life and to this day i have never quite been the same.. enough of that..anyways this was the time when i really started to obess about my weight..for me it start out with just flat out no more food,it went in stages,first was cutting things out of my diet,no more fried food,candy,or snacking in between meals and no eating after 6 pm..i remember going to bed and being so hungry my stomach would hurt but it passed over time,i didnt care what my body wanted,i was gonna be thin no matter what it took..the cardio started at this stage too..i walked everywhere,some days i felt like i was gonna faint but i kept on..i was on a mission and nothing was gonna stop me..

Far Beyond Driven
04-13-08, 6:30 pm
on my 18th b-day i was free..no more therapy or lockdown,nada..i lost alot of time being stupid..i had a difficult time reajusting to living a regular life and to this day i have never quite been the same.. enough of that..anyways this was the time when i really started to obess about my weight..for me it start out with just flat out no more food,it went in stages,first was cutting things out of my diet,no more fried food,candy,or snacking in between meals and no eating after 6 pm..i remember going to bed and being so hungry my stomach would hurt but it passed over time,i didnt care what my body wanted,i was gonna be thin no matter what it took..the cardio started at this stage too..i walked everywhere,some days i felt like i was gonna faint but i kept on..i was on a mission and nothing was gonna stop me..

A regular person has no idea about this level of despair, and once you get out of it, they can't even start to know where you've been. This will make you stronger than all of them. Keep it up bro, we're all here.

eblnyc
04-19-08, 2:47 pm
my initial plan was to diet and exercise to lose weight but as we all know it takes time and i was like fuck that..the weight was not comming off quick enough for my taste..i did lose about 20 pounds in a relatively short amount of time but that was enough..it never was..so i had to take more drastic measures..first i cut meals out,so it went from three meals a day to two and the portions got smaller,the cardio was increased and the coffee intake went up to keep me going..more weight came off but the mirror showed no change..i was like what the fuck? this isn't working either..i don't remember how long it took me to be 100 pounds,its kind of a blur..i really think it was less than that because i avoided scales and mirrors because i believed they were tools to make me think iam thinnner than i thought i was..i could never ever be thin enough..this is the mind of an anorexic...

eblnyc
04-20-08, 10:54 am
there have been many events in my life that have fueled my self destructive path.The more rejection i got from others just made it worst..when i was 19 i was dating one of my best friends or so i thought at the time..we got along famously and have a great time together..i came to find out that i was pregnant and when i told him he freaked and broke up with me and told me it wasn't his and he was not responsible..i was crushed and decided to not to have the baby..i was suprised i could even get pregnant considering i never really ate much..of course i blamed myself for him..i wasnt good enough,pretty enough or thin enough..my depression was so bad at this point that i started drinking and doing drugs again,i didn't want to feel shit. [i can't write anymore]

Phil800101
04-20-08, 11:45 am
I can only imagine how hard it must be to relive all this, not to mention share it with relative strangers. At the same time I would assume that it must be cathartic as well. Again, nothing but respect to you for having the courage to open up and share all of this with us. You've got our support. I understand how you would need to stop and take a break in your writing, take as much time as you need. We'll still be here supporting you whenever you feel that you can write some more.

eblnyc
04-20-08, 11:49 am
I can only imagine how hard it must be to relive all this, not to mention share it with relative strangers. At the same time I would assume that it must be cathartic as well. Again, nothing but respect to you for having the courage to open up and share all of this with us. You've got our support. I understand how you would need to stop and take a break in your writing, take as much time as you need. We'll still be here supporting you whenever you feel that you can write some more.

thanks..this is very hard for me but much needed..not only will it help me but maybe it could also help others who are struggling with eating disorders..

need2getBIG
04-20-08, 5:18 pm
i was anorexic for about a year,i was the fat kid just like you,and wanted to get people back,i never tried the drugs and drinking though,but i found liftin,and it seriousely saved my life,now i look in the mirror and i dont think im big enough,its hard to think back to those days,so i know how you feel bro,everyone here has got your back

eblnyc
04-23-08, 4:49 pm
my drinking and drug use continued for quite awhile,it was alot worst than before because my food intake was becoming nonexsistent..i was blacking out almost every night and i would wake up in some dudes bed i didnt know or in my car or wherever..at this point i didn't give a fuck..after awhile this got very hard to handle and the booze was making me heavy again.. one day i had a ephiphany,i stopped drinking and doing drugs just like that..quit..it was time for me to get control of my weight again..i cant tell you how many time i told myself you gotta do this without starving yourself,it never worked..i would try eating and exercise but it never seemed to work as fast as i wanted it too and it depressed me..to me it was just easier to eat as little as possible with the least amount of calories as possible..this time around i went from a size 13 to an 8 but i wasn't happy with this,gotta be thinner..my ex came into the picture around this time..boy if i had know then what i know now,fuck..

eblnyc
04-24-08, 5:31 pm
i will never forget the first time i met my ex..personally i really didn't like him very much,i should have stayed with my first impression now looking back..he was one cocky fuck and still is..after our first encounter,the game had begun to get me..he pursued me like no one i had ever met,everytime he saw me he would ask me out..i was like no..this should have been a sign of things to come but one day he asked me out and i finally agreed..we actually hit it off really well and we had fun together..years later he told me that the night of our orginial first date i blew him off and told him i had to work..that motherfucker drove to my job to see if i was really there..he was already obessed with me and we werent even together yet..my relationship with him helped my eating disorder to be even more out of control..i will have to get to that another time..

eblnyc
05-04-08, 4:24 pm
i look back at the 13 years that i spent with my ex and say to my self what the fuck? the first year wasn't bad but he already had displayed behavior that should have clued me into his controlling ways..i used to think it was cute that he was jealous but its not..the more time we spent together the more jealous he got,if a guy looked at me he would freak or if i saw a guy on tv that was hot he would say you would bang him wouldn't you? his bullshit started to affect me and my starvation got worse..i was down to 1 meal a day if that and i was more manic about exercising..the weight was dropping off now..i went down to a size 6 then a 4 in a very short time..i also smoked about 2 packs a day and drank a pot of coffee so i wouldnt eat..i was going further down the tubes every day..

BarryClark
05-05-08, 12:46 am
i look back at the 13 years that i spent with my ex and say to my self what the fuck? the first year wasn't bad but he already had displayed behavior that should have clued me into his controlling ways..i used to think it was cute that he was jealous but its not..the more time we spent together the more jealous he got,if a guy looked at me he would freak or if i saw a guy on tv that was hot he would say you would bang him wouldn't you? his bullshit started to affect me and my starvation got worse..i was down to 1 meal a day if that and i was more manic about exercising..the weight was dropping off now..i went down to a size 6 then a 4 in a very short time..i also smoked about 2 packs a day and drank a pot of coffee so i wouldnt eat..i was going further down the tubes every day..

Damn, this is another fascinating read...Just subbed this too...it is an honor that you would allow us to accompany you on this journey. Thank you.

Barry

eblnyc
05-09-08, 8:36 pm
as my weight was flying off due to my 300 calorie a day,my ex was getting more insane..he was to the point where he had to know where i was at all times and god forbid if i came home late or didn't have his fuckin food cooked for him..he convinced himself i was screwing everybody and thats all he ever talked about..i used to say yeah iam screwing everybody and have pictures to proof it then he would shut up..except about my not eating which made me not want to eat even more just to prove to him he was not in control over me and neither was anybody else for that matter..from a size 4 i went to a size 2 then to a 0..at the time i was real proud of my self but the mirror told a different story just like it does today..the mirror shows the fat girl and that is the image i still see to this day..

eblnyc
05-14-08, 6:00 pm
i never had an ideal weight in mind when i was starving myself but no matter how thin i became i knew it wasn't enough..size 0 was not small enough,100 pounds was still too heavy and of course i was taking every measure to make sure i wouldn't eat if i did,i had to get rid of it right away and i would be pissed at myself for eating..i was slowly killing myself and i couldn't see it..at the time i didn't care because i would have rather died thin than be fat ever again..i was a size 00 when i started having health problems,headaches,nausea,gums were turning black and i always looked like i got punched in the face thanks to the dark circles that won't ever go away and i lost my period due to no body fat..i felt like shit and was starting to look like shit too..i should have stopped but at this point i couldn't,it was too late..or so i thought...

eblnyc
06-11-08, 9:39 pm
i continued to get thinner and thinner to the point where i could shop in the girls section of the clothing store..of course i was quite proud of this fact which is kind of nuts..a grown women shopping for little girls clothes...jesus..around this time met the guy who would change my life in more ways than one..hes a bodybuilder..we used to work together when i was in the bar and resturant business..he was always hinting to me about weight lifting,i guess he didnt want to come straight out and tell me i was too thin that talk wasnt until later..he pushed me on the path iam on today..if i had continued not eating i know i would have died..there is no doubt in my mind..six feet under...

Phil800101
06-12-08, 3:12 am
Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here following this.

This is some heavy shit to say the least. Again, much respect to you for having the guts to relive these moments and share them, I know it must not be easy.

Themostocles
06-12-08, 3:30 am
I am still here as well. Thank you for sharing with us. Does it help getting it out like this, or does it just make it worse? -T.

gatordevin
06-12-08, 10:04 am
Consider me subbed for this...

eblnyc
06-12-08, 9:03 pm
I am still here as well. Thank you for sharing with us. Does it help getting it out like this, or does it just make it worse? -T.
it does help me..every time i think it would just be easier to starve myself which happens alot,i read this over and i totally change my mind..fuck that..plus if i can help another person just like the person that helped me.. that's a bonus..

Train
06-12-08, 10:08 pm
feel free to pm me anytime. I was anorexic when i first started. I still remember myself stepping on the scale and seeing 87lbs. I got out of it. up to 205 4 years later.

Train
06-12-08, 10:09 pm
I just read a couple more of your posts in this thread... and some of the things that are happening to you happened to me... and were the same age.

eblnyc
06-15-08, 7:15 pm
feel free to pm me anytime. I was anorexic when i first started. I still remember myself stepping on the scale and seeing 87lbs. I got out of it. up to 205 4 years later.

thanks dude..i just might..

eblnyc
06-16-08, 12:34 am
my friend convinced me to start weight training one day when he dragged me to his gym,he told straight out that i was way to thin and i needed to gain weight,i don't know what made me listen because nobody else could get through to me..he was generally concerned for me and said i was way to pretty to be destroying myself like this..well,this was the starting point for weight training and the ending point of my 13 year relationship with my boyfriend..he was so jealous of me going to the gym and he believed i was screwing every guy there..i finally told him it was over and i was leaving him..he was shocked..i don't think he ever believe i would leave him and his last words to me were u will never find another who will love you as much as me ever..pretty funny considering a person i worked with cared more about me than he did..so my new journey had begun to try to get my health back and also to be single after over a decade with the same man..believe me this process especially in the beginning has not been easy...

eblnyc
06-25-08, 6:35 pm
when i first started training i had a hard time just walking into the weight room,i got those looks like holy shit and the snears like that skinny bitch is gonna kill herself..sometimes i still get them but i have learned to ignore it..then it came down to my eating,in the begining i didnt want to shock the system to much so it was a slow and steady process of adding more food to my diet..at first the body was like what the fuck are u doing to me,u starve me for 18 years and now we are eating..jesus..i was training 6 days a week at this time and adding more food to the diet but not too much weight gain,but i wasnt lifting full force or with heavy weight yet..i didnt really see much of a difference..i did see alot of things i had never noticed before,damage!lots of fuckin damage...

eblnyc
07-08-08, 8:10 pm
no matter how much muscle i gain,a big part of me wants to be a size 0 again..madness i know but these are the thoughts that bounce inside my head..it wasnt that long ago that i was a 0 and never ate..the transition has been quite difficult..i still hate eating,if i didnt have to i wouldnt,plain and simple..well i really dont have too but to get better its a must..old habits die hard..believe me when it comes to eating iam not always on the ball..there are days when it a down right struggle for me to get 1 meal in let alone 6..i don't know what the solution is,i do know that i cannot let my skeletons rear their ugly little heads...

need2getBIG
07-09-08, 10:29 am
keep truckin my friend,i too know what its like,i just keep those thoughts locked up,and let them unleash in the weight room where i crush them.

BryanSmash!
07-10-08, 2:38 am
If those skeletons start peeking out, just start droppin plates on their ass.

eblnyc
07-30-08, 12:19 pm
i remember when i first got put away,my diagnosis in the hospital was socially and emotionally malajusted drug addict with antisocial behavior..i remember thinking you got the drug addict part right but antisocial no way..over time i realize they were correct..the older i have gotten the more of a hermit i have become..dont get me wrong iam social with certain people but on the whole i cant bring myself to be a social butterfly..first off it takes me alot just to meet people let alone be friends with them.my comfort level with unknown individuals does not exist,unless i feel comfortable around u from the start i wont say even hi to u..[the mouth piece is silent in these cases] shock shock..the mouth runs always in the right company but one problem is i can turn on you too..i have a habit of taking things personally to the point where if u anger me the chances of me never talking to you again are high..the antisocial strikes again!

BryanSmash!
07-30-08, 5:22 pm
Nothing wrong with being antisocial. It'll keep the idiots away from you at the gym.

Crash
07-31-08, 1:44 pm
Contrary to popular belief, there is something very wrong with Anti-Social Behavior, and Social Anxiety. It is a very crippling behavior that prevents us from experiencing life like the rest of you. When we are placed in situations that make us feel uncomfortable, we experience fear and anger, for no good reason. We feel trapped within ourselves, and internalize everything, which eventually leads to us lashing out at those who truly mean us no harm. We seek so desprately for our comfort zone that we become OCD like, following the same routine over and over again.

Only through the strength of experience, are we able to conquer situation after situation, and blaze our way foward in life. I wish this on no one.

...Strength and Honor...

Themostocles
07-31-08, 5:34 pm
Contrary to popular belief, there is something very wrong with Anti-Social Behavior, and Social Anxiety. It is a very crippling behavior that prevents us from experiencing life like the rest of you. When we are placed in situations that make us feel uncomfortable, we experience fear and anger, for no good reason. We feel trapped within ourselves, and internalize everything, which eventually leads to us lashing out at those who truly mean us no harm. We seek so desprately for our comfort zone that we become OCD like, following the same routine over and over again.

Only through the strength of experience, are we able to conquer situation after situation, and blaze our way foward in life. I wish this on no one.

...Strength and Honor...

x2. There is nothing natural or right about feeling alone when surrounded by friends and family. It can get better, but for me, it has never totally left. -T.

eblnyc
07-31-08, 8:13 pm
as stated above..they are correct..

eblnyc
08-04-08, 5:54 pm
there is a constant war that wages in my head between the anorexic and the weight lifter..the sickness always wants to win but hasnt been sucessful..i have been gaining again but for how long i dont know.anything can trigger it,stress,the evil mirrors,rejection,depression and injuries always lead me back to not eating..then i curse myself for letting my sickness get the best of me and iam back to square one..crawling out of the hole has been tough,i hope someday it gets easier...

BryanSmash!
08-04-08, 6:17 pm
Your perseverance is commendable. The very fact that you strive to be better despite any setbacks shows you have tremendous heart and character.

eblnyc
08-04-08, 8:03 pm
Your perseverance is commendable. The very fact that you strive to be better despite any setbacks shows you have tremendous heart and character.

thanks..i have worked way to hard to stop now..

eblnyc
08-14-08, 5:38 pm
my life has been a series of addictions..overeating, to drugs ,to not eating at all ,to the iron and so on..every one has consumed me in full force..the only one that wont kill me or maybe it will, is the weights..as of now its the only thing that i look forward to and enjoy..

Themostocles
08-15-08, 12:14 am
my life has been a series of addictions..overeating, to drugs ,to not eating at all ,to the iron and so on..every one has consumed me in full force..the only one that wont kill me or maybe it will, is the weights..as of now its the only thing that i look forward to and enjoy..

x2. Mine is more complulsive behaviors. I don't know if I would call it addiction, because I am not a doctor. But I constantly replace one behavior for another. Drink, drugs, smoking, women(the most dagerous of all lol), and now weights. Every behavior almost all my time and energy are devoted to it, no matter the consequences. The weights are the only have I have begun to be able to balance against the rest of my life. But I still go to bed dreaming of the next workout. -T.

deanna7272
08-15-08, 12:27 am
I just found this.... I'm subbed now...

I'm here if you need.... Anything.... Anytime....

~D~

BryanSmash!
08-15-08, 2:08 am
Sometimes theres a fine line between enhancing your life and consuming it. I prefer to think that there is a rather large gray area between the two.

eblnyc
09-23-08, 11:15 am
i was looking over this crazy thread and forgot to mention about my dad going to prison..like i said my dad was extremely wealthy..he owned hotels,condos[a whole complex of them] his own accounting firm and many other businesses i didnt know about..after i was put away,he was arrested for embezzlement..they had a 5 year investigation on him and his partner who in the end cracked and gave up everything..[i hate rats]anyways he got a 6 months sentence in white collar jail and my dad got 4 years due to the fact he pleaded not guilty..the worst part of all this was my trust fund was taken from me..they said it was stolen[they take all your assests] some of the wealth was legitimate..my ride to school and for a new car and all the other things i could have done was gone..this made me even more bitter..i could have had such a different life..

eblnyc
09-28-08, 8:29 pm
when i began training i really didnt have any idea of what i was doing..i was nervous about using free weights,i never benched or did squats..i mostly stuck to machines and the weight wasnt very heavy..i also wasnt seeing any change in my body..this started to piss me off..i started to think my ex was right,going to the gym will only make me thinner.it hit me one day,i gotta prove that fucker wrong!i began my balls out heavy weight training,i didnt give a shit how much pain i was in,i was gonna get those weight up period..his doubt has kept the blaze going...

BryanSmash!
09-28-08, 10:18 pm
Even if you're just lifting to piss someone else off, I think its still a good reason to lift.

BryanSmash!
09-28-08, 10:24 pm
This might help move things along:
http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/lauren_transformation.htm

eblnyc
09-28-08, 10:31 pm
Even if you're just lifting to piss someone else off, I think its still a good reason to lift.

it's not the only reason but his bullshit has always enraged me...in his eyes i would never amount to shit..

Themostocles
09-28-08, 11:13 pm
it's not the only reason but his bullshit has always enraged me...in his eyes i would never amount to shit..

Solid motivation, I got a couple of people like that. Its also often what takes to get us to the breaking point and force us into something greater. -T.

eblnyc
10-03-08, 10:34 pm
recently i have been having alot of doubts about my progress..a part of me doesnt want to do this anymore..i go to the gym yes but only out of routine..the heart i put into it is gone..i dont know where it went or how to get it back..i have started to obess of the way i look and to me i look like shit..the fat girl is winning again..

BryanSmash!
10-03-08, 11:13 pm
If it's one thing that you just can't lose, it's your heart.

Phil800101
10-04-08, 3:10 am
recently i have been having alot of doubts about my progress..a part of me doesnt want to do this anymore..i go to the gym yes but only out of routine..the heart i put into it is gone..i dont know where it went or how to get it back..i have started to obess of the way i look and to me i look like shit..the fat girl is winning again..

Have you taken a break recently? Sometimes when you keep going at it for months at a time without taking some time off it can really wear you down and make you lose your motivation. Not to mention that it can overload you which could halt progress or put you in a slump. Maybe take a week or two off if you haven't recently, and you might be surprised to find that by the end of that week or two you'll be itching to get back into the gym and smash some weights.

LittleMan55
10-04-08, 12:43 pm
recently i have been having alot of doubts about my progress..a part of me doesnt want to do this anymore..i go to the gym yes but only out of routine..the heart i put into it is gone..i dont know where it went or how to get it back..i have started to obess of the way i look and to me i look like shit..the fat girl is winning again..

Yo girl... The fat girl has only win if you give up! I doubt you have done that... Everyone has times like what you're going through. It is part of what we do, and happens in everything not just training. It is times like these you have to search you heart and soul. Most often this is when we find the metal we are made of... Hang in there and let things settle out how they are supposed to.

eblnyc
10-06-08, 2:57 pm
thanks for the words guys..iam sure this will pass,the question is when..that i dont know..

Medford
10-06-08, 6:05 pm
solid stuff...remember that this too shall pass...change even positive change is difficult, keep plugging on

courage not that you are where you are now, but that you had the courage to begin is the miracle

eblnyc
10-16-08, 1:32 pm
i havent been doing very well..as of now,i will not be here..iam not worthy of being a member of the animal family..once i get my head on straight i will be back...

Themostocles
10-16-08, 1:39 pm
i havent been doing very well..as of now,i will not be here..iam not worthy of being a member of the animal family..once i get my head on straight i will be back...

I will be waiting; no matter what you think, you will always be a sister to us. Hope you get things worked out El. We will miss you till you get back. -T.

BryanSmash!
10-16-08, 2:15 pm
i havent been doing very well..as of now,i will not be here..iam not worthy of being a member of the animal family..once i get my head on straight i will be back...

Look forward to your return.

Phil800101
10-17-08, 10:23 pm
I will be waiting; no matter what you think, you will always be a sister to us. Hope you get things worked out El. We will miss you till you get back. -T.


Look forward to your return.

Agreed. Stay strong.

eblnyc
10-27-08, 10:20 pm
the bitch is back boys!!!

BryanSmash!
10-28-08, 2:14 am
the bitch is back boys!!!

Glad to have ya back!

Themostocles
10-28-08, 2:18 am
the bitch is back boys!!!

Hell yeah She is.

Phil800101
10-31-08, 12:37 am
Great to see you back!

eblnyc
11-17-08, 12:41 am
i went thru a very rough patch for awhile there..i stopped training stopped eating cried alot and it was quite pathetic..i still cant figure what triggered it exactly..i think its the fact that i love someone i cant have and its torn me apart..i like the chinese proverb"of all the tools of death,desire has killed the most" this is quite true..it eats me part like a fuckin virus..as of recently tho i have come to accept the fact that the love is very one sided which is ok with me..he will be in my heart forever..i cant let it get to me,it ruins all i have worked so hard for..i just got keep going and busting ass..it all i can do and want to do..

Themostocles
11-17-08, 12:49 am
I was always fond of there is a fine line between love and hate. As a man that is so true. The ones that I you love can hurt you more that anything else, and I turn it to hate so I can stop feeling the pain. -T.

BryanSmash!
11-17-08, 12:35 pm
Using pain as a motivating factor on the gym seems to help in my opinion.

BryanSmash!
11-27-08, 8:37 pm
Hope you have a good turkey day!

eblnyc
01-05-09, 2:21 am
i have been dealing with the death of my father..he had a fuckin heartattack in sept.like i have said i stopped talking to him at 16.iam not quite sad about more like pissed off..i have unfinished business with that bastard..things i wanted to say to him that now the only way to say them is if i scream at a gravestone..this is bullshit to me..i like things resolved and settled not all fucked up..i does make me train harder tho..i havent given up on that..fuck that i cant..i love it too much..

Themostocles
01-05-09, 2:29 am
Definitely somehting I can empathize with. But I've said all I want to to that bastard. Now I just hope he gets hit by a hurricane. Good to know you are alive El. -T.

BryanSmash!
01-05-09, 11:52 pm
A good bout with the iron can do wonders for the soul. I'm glad you havent stopped lifting.

eblnyc
03-17-09, 11:32 pm
well well my ass has been gone from this piece of quite some time..dont worry iam not back to 98 pounds...i will be on from time to time to continue this saga that is my twisted mind..let the insanity continue...i gotta give props where props are due before i depart,i want to say thanks to all that have followed this thread and to machine the warrior who could motivate a dead person much love to u..your spirit keep me going...

BryanSmash!
03-18-09, 7:48 am
Glad to have ya back!

Phil800101
03-18-09, 11:40 am
Glad to have ya back!

Yup, good to hear from ya.

eblnyc
04-16-09, 4:02 pm
i have been missing this place so i came back for a bit even tho i dont really feel like i belong here..iam not a big girl just a lil girl in a place full of monsters...i need my fix of motivation so i decided to reapear for awhile so get my spark back..the flame as been quite low lately..my body is def strong than my mind these days..my antisocialness has gotten worst to the point that iam alone now more than ever..i cant even begin to explain all the thoughts flowing thru my head..i dont even know where to begin..i do know that i was better when i was here than now so i will be around more...

Lowdown5
04-16-09, 4:06 pm
Good to see ya still alive.

BryanSmash!
04-16-09, 4:07 pm
Good to see you again!

eblnyc
04-16-09, 4:14 pm
Good to see ya still alive.
iam big pimpin barely

Lowdown5
04-16-09, 4:41 pm
iam big pimpin barely


Better than the other option.

Themostocles
04-17-09, 12:26 am
WElcome back, you were missed chica

eblnyc
04-17-09, 5:01 pm
WElcome back, you were missed chica

well thank u my friend..

Phil800101
04-18-09, 2:52 am
Good to see you back!

Sal2307
04-19-09, 11:44 pm
Very deep... Just read the whole thing. Keep on here if it makes you feel better. Everyone needs to have a place where their voice is heard. This place isn't just for the monsters like you said, it is for those little girls like you who need help achieving their goals, whether it is mentally or physically. i hope you find coming back to be therapedic and helps even if it just a little bit

eblnyc
04-22-09, 4:03 pm
one question i have heard time and time again is what would posses u to starve yourself or how could u do that to yourself..well my answer to that is u want to look perfect like all the women on tv or in magazines or like those popular girls in school thin and pretty who get all the hot guys..you want to be them at any cost..thats how it begins..to me it was quite easy not to eat,i barely did for 18 years..i have more trouble eating than not..it has gotten easier but i still struggle with it..i fear that i might get fat again..that thought still lingers in my brain..FAT..iam nowhere near fat but my obession with it is still there haunting my dreams and taunting me in the mirror..in reality it really hasnt been that long since i was 98 pounds,not even 3 years,i still have a ton of work to do but iam getting better..like they say in AA one day at a time...

JUGGERNAUT
04-22-09, 4:14 pm
If you ever need like a thousand reasons to love eating food just ask me hah boy do I love to eat. I'm far from naive about the condition you speak of as well; mostly due to helping those....

eblnyc
07-16-09, 10:56 pm
things have been going well for me,i started training with a guy whos a competive bber..i have learned so much from him.we keep eack h other motivated.when i met him he hadnt lifted in 18 months which was a shock to me cause he didnt look like it.his wife is the main reason he stopped,she isnt into fitness at all and doesnt support his bbing at all.she blames it for all there problems..anyways i have been training with him since april,what a difference in my growth ans strentgh plus he yells at me to make sure i eat all my meals..i def need that..i never trained with anyone before so this is a new one for me..iam glad i met him he is a positive person and keeps me in line for sure..not an easy task,iam a major bitch!!!!

BryanSmash!
07-17-09, 8:08 am
Hey that's awesome! Stay motivated!

sreyes1091
07-17-09, 11:13 am
Just got done reading all 6 pages of this thread and I must say I am impressed. Things come and go in life but you have stick to lifting and now with a partner, I hope it gets you even more motivated.
Keep your head high, El. Life is tough and it sucks but just swallow it and grab the bull by its horns, you are the boss, the director of your life, film it the way you want to, shape it, amaze yourself.
Stay strong and align yourself when needed.
Much respect for you and thank you for sharing your life with all of us. Subbed.

-Rey Rey

Phil800101
07-20-09, 1:18 pm
Sounds good, keep up the great work!

Big Wides
07-20-09, 11:00 pm
Glad to see everything is working out well for you up in God's country and that you've found a soild workout partner. Keep on putting in the work and doing it the only way you know how, through dedication and hard work

Gaoshang Xiongshou
07-21-09, 10:36 pm
subbed!

eblnyc
09-18-09, 8:06 pm
once i think i have this shit nibbed in the bud,it comes back full force and then some..i get so lost from where iam suppose to be and what i am suppose to be doing..i was doing so well to and then bam right back in the shit storm of not wanting to eat,terrified at being fat and not wanting to see or talk to anyone..i feel so fuckin shitty and disappointed i wish i was dead..dillusions of a mindfucking disorder that will never go away..i live it with and hate how it has consumed more than half my life,destroyed my body and my mind..sometimes i think i dont have it in me to fight it anymore..the strength in my heart is missing and i dont think i will ever get it back..i want that drive again..i pray i find it before its to late...

BryanSmash!
09-19-09, 1:09 am
You've been fighting for so long, with a rollercoaster track record of progress. You've used the hatred and anger for fuel in the gym, but it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. You look in the mirror, and you only see what your mind allows, even though you've made incredible progress.
I don't think the iron pills are going to fix it anymore ebl, check your PMs please.

mcbeast
11-11-09, 8:20 pm
This thread still active?

I havent seen one of your threads in over a year eblnyc...

eblnyc
11-30-09, 11:15 pm
sorry i havent been on in awhile,being a boss and working out have been preoccupying my time as of late..its not like too many people read my ramblings anyway.i do this for me more than anyone else..i have changed up my training a bit now..i rotate heavy weight every other week and lighter weight more reps the other..its been working so iam gonna stick with it for awhile as far as eating well my weight hasnt changed so i must be doing something right..the eating part has always been a struggle for me but at least its not a pot of coffee and a fuckin salad like it used to be..i dont think i could ever go back to that..i appreciate all the messages of concern i have received,it nice to know people are worried about my state of mind...for the record i would never kill myself,i have thought about it but only pussies and selfish people kill themselves...life is a fuckin rollercoaster and u gotta deal with it..i deal with shit in my own way,i always have and always will...i dont give up that easily believe me..fuckin i did whatever it took to be skinny and i will do what it takes to be healthy..i have to,no other fuckin choice now..iam an iron addict.....

eblnyc
11-30-09, 11:16 pm
This thread still active?

I havent seen one of your threads in over a year eblnyc...

it is alive! it never stops

BryanSmash!
12-01-09, 1:45 am
sorry i havent been on in awhile,being a boss and working out have been preoccupying my time as of late..its not like too many people read my ramblings anyway.i do this for me more than anyone else..i have changed up my training a bit now..i rotate heavy weight every other week and lighter weight more reps the other..its been working so iam gonna stick with it for awhile as far as eating well my weight hasnt changed so i must be doing something right..the eating part has always been a struggle for me but at least its not a pot of coffee and a fuckin salad like it used to be..i dont think i could ever go back to that..i appreciate all the messages of concern i have received,it nice to know people are worried about my state of mind...for the record i would never kill myself,i have thought about it but only pussies and selfish people kill themselves...life is a fuckin rollercoaster and u gotta deal with it..i deal with shit in my own way,i always have and always will...i dont give up that easily believe me..fuckin i did whatever it took to be skinny and i will do what it takes to be healthy..i have to,no other fuckin choice now..iam an iron addict.....

Glad to see you again! I'm happy you're still kickin ass in the gym!

Phil800101
12-01-09, 3:26 am
Glad to see you again! I'm happy you're still kickin ass in the gym!

Same here!

fenix237
12-01-09, 10:18 am
sorry i havent been on in awhile,being a boss and working out have been preoccupying my time as of late..its not like too many people read my ramblings anyway.i do this for me more than anyone else..i have changed up my training a bit now..i rotate heavy weight every other week and lighter weight more reps the other..its been working so iam gonna stick with it for awhile as far as eating well my weight hasnt changed so i must be doing something right..the eating part has always been a struggle for me but at least its not a pot of coffee and a fuckin salad like it used to be..i dont think i could ever go back to that..i appreciate all the messages of concern i have received,it nice to know people are worried about my state of mind...for the record i would never kill myself,i have thought about it but only pussies and selfish people kill themselves...life is a fuckin rollercoaster and u gotta deal with it..i deal with shit in my own way,i always have and always will...i dont give up that easily believe me..fuckin i did whatever it took to be skinny and i will do what it takes to be healthy..i have to,no other fuckin choice now..iam an iron addict.....

eblnyc- good to have you back girl.... kill it in the gym!!!

J-DOG
12-10-09, 9:27 pm
sorry i havent been on in awhile,being a boss and working out have been preoccupying my time as of late..its not like too many people read my ramblings anyway.i do this for me more than anyone else..i have changed up my training a bit now..i rotate heavy weight every other week and lighter weight more reps the other..its been working so iam gonna stick with it for awhile as far as eating well my weight hasnt changed so i must be doing something right..the eating part has always been a struggle for me but at least its not a pot of coffee and a fuckin salad like it used to be..i dont think i could ever go back to that..i appreciate all the messages of concern i have received,it nice to know people are worried about my state of mind...for the record i would never kill myself,i have thought about it but only pussies and selfish people kill themselves...life is a fuckin rollercoaster and u gotta deal with it..i deal with shit in my own way,i always have and always will...i dont give up that easily believe me..fuckin i did whatever it took to be skinny and i will do what it takes to be healthy..i have to,no other fuckin choice now..iam an iron addict.....



Hey eblnyc,

I admire your courage and determination to continue to battle your personal demons and not let them take over your life. I cant say i know how it feels because i have never personally been there, but after reading your thread i have at least an idea of what your mindset was back in the day.

Fast forward to your current mindset today and its clear that you know what you want and you know how much hard work it takes to achieve it! Just keep fighting the good fight and you will keep those demons at bay!

Keep us posted on your progress!

Peace


JD

BryanSmash!
12-25-09, 12:38 am
Hope you had a good Xmas ebl!

eblnyc
01-10-10, 11:03 pm
i look back to all the self destcructive things i have done to myself over the years and wonder how could i have been so lost and stupid..i have so much regret on the choices i have made in my life and i have it said to me u cant change the past,u need to move on but that is easier said than done..i live in the past and still really cant move on..i try to thats for sure but iam more comfortable in familiar surroundings..being antisocial is all about a routine of being comfortable and anything that makes u uncomfortable is intolerable to u..my home is my safe place and the gym thats it..iam a complete hermit thank god i dont mind being alone or i would be screwed..people tend to annoy me if i spend to much time with them and most people i meet have hidden agendas that i read all over there sad fuckin faces..cant bullshit me iam to smart for that..yeah i have my smart moments not that often tho,i did become an anorexic..FUCK! i should have retard stamped on my forehead..oh well being skinny is a full time job..

BryanSmash!
01-17-10, 7:53 am
Nothing wrong with being antisocial, sometimes its the way to go!

Phil800101
01-17-10, 8:16 pm
Nothing wrong with being antisocial, sometimes its the way to go!

I agree...I think we're all antiosocial at one time or another.

I think what's actually unhealthy are the people who are the exact opposite...those people who base their self-esteem and self worth on who their friends are and what they're doing on the weekends. These are the people who are obsessed with "going out" and being seen, only caring about how they are perceived and what others think of them.

eblnyc
12-04-11, 12:45 am
iam surprised this thread is still here..fuck its been a long time..things havent really changed all that much..i have taken time off from lifting due to my back and i just went back yesterday after not going for a year and in that time i had 5 teeth pulled due to my eating disorder plus i have bone loss in my gums the only good news i got was i had no cavities..i lost 15 pounds and iam back at square one again..it sucks..shit i would never wish this anorexic bullshit on anyone..stay tuned for more

mcbeast
12-04-11, 4:28 am
Tuned in, again...Hope things start looking up for you.

Phil800101
12-04-11, 4:55 am
Tuned in, again...Hope things start looking up for you.

Same here.

eblnyc
02-16-12, 9:03 pm
lamb of god has a new album out so i named this post after a song from that album which by the way kicks ass.. well lets see i have been busting some serious ass lately but only gained two fuckin pounds iam thinking what the fuck my strength is going up but no weight gain.. my old bod is pissing me off...maybe i am shiiting all the food out who knows..i feel good and that stupid fat girl in the mirror hasnt been bothering me, good u stupid bitch fuck off..i go to a therapist and they want me on some sort of drug to combat my eating disorder and my social phobia i have but i hate scripts even antibotics make me feel strange and even tho iam strange anyway why make it worst,i told them i would think about it...i wanted to say screw u and your drugs i dont need them but maybe i do..i fall off the path and smash my head all the time and gotta start from square one every god damn time..well iam ill and socially malajusted and violent lol i love being me! now that iam back to my normal pissed off at the world self i gotta start a new thread in the training section iam getting really good at burpees and side planks and sumo squats yay! so stay tuned for more crazy heavy weight from the littlest person on this fucking site..the mini animal!!!!

eblnyc
02-16-12, 11:16 pm
lamb of god has a new album out so i named this post after a song from that album which by the way kicks ass.. well lets see i have been busting some serious ass lately but only gained two fuckin pounds iam thinking what the fuck my strength is going up but no weight gain.. my old bod is pissing me off...maybe i am shiiting all the food out who knows..i feel good and that stupid fat girl in the mirror hasnt been bothering me, good u stupid bitch fuck off..i go to a therapist and they want me on some sort of drug to combat my eating disorder and my social phobia i have but i hate scripts even antibotics make me feel strange and even tho iam strange anyway why make it worst,i told them i would think about it...i wanted to say screw u and your drugs i dont need them but maybe i do..i fall off the path and smash my head all the time and gotta start from square one every god damn time..well iam ill and socially malajusted and violent lol i love being me! now that iam back to my normal pissed off at the world self i gotta start a new thread in the training section iam getting really good at burpees and side planks and sumo squats yay! so stay tuned for more crazy heavy weight from the littlest person on this fucking site..the mini animal!!!!

never judge a person by there size boys! i do lift with powerlifters haha!

G Diesel
02-17-12, 9:53 am
This is a great fucking thread... What Animal is all about.

Glad I found my way here.

Peace, G

Big Wides
02-17-12, 10:27 am
nice to see you back and posting....this place needed a kick in the ass

eblnyc
06-09-12, 10:09 pm
I never got into lifting to be ripped,I got into it as therapy for my anger problem and to get me to gain weight if I don't lift I don't eat.. Not a cool thing for me to do..Iam surprised this sickness hasn't killed me I guess it has made me stronger..strength is the important thing, to suffer and overcome and do things I never thought I could do. My strength is back up Iam as pissed off as ever and I gained a lil weight losing some teeth kinda scared me if I get more pulled Iam gonna be toothless and drinking my meals thru a straw fuck that would blow..no ones gonna want to date a chic with no teeth not that I get any dates anyway men are intimated by me and I know there fucking games and I won't have it so they don't even try. Plus the guys around here are a bunch of hicks and being a city girl they just don't cut it, whatever I dont care. I got better things to worry about!!! Like busting ass!!!! And buy weight gainer and eating steaks and walking my pitbull!! I don't need a man to complete me. Iam too independent and to be honest a major bitch!

eblnyc
06-09-12, 10:12 pm
nice to see you back and posting....this place needed a kick in the ass

Thanks g money and super heavy duty wides u guys are the shit and I have nothing but respect for ya!

mcbeast
06-09-12, 11:42 pm
You should stick around for awhile... This FORVM needs more people like you..

eblnyc
06-10-12, 1:12 am
You should stick around for awhile... This FORVM needs more people like you..

I was planning on it Iam gonna start my new training thread tomorrow yee fuckin ha

eblnyc
08-02-12, 3:15 pm
my anger has always been my driving force to push me forward or pull me into the pit of hell.. over the years harnessing that anger into some more positive for myself has been hard and an everyday struggle..one conclusion i have come to is what others think of me is not important it is how i see myself..i dont lift to look hot for some douchebag man or men i lift for health reasons and it keeps the beast inside me at bay,my self destructive side..the starvation slave,which lately hasnt been much of a problem..my eating has been pretty good so i shall continue my path and hopefully at this point wont fall into another pothole!

eblnyc
08-07-12, 3:41 pm
i have always been interested in what makes people tick..especially those cases u see on the news like that dick who shot all those people in colorado or columbine and virginia tech..u always hear why would someone do that from the reporters or the many others that follow these cases..like that girl who hung herself in mass after being bullied in school and the many others just like her who are emotionally tourtured by other to the point of a nervous breakdown or being so vilolent they kill in mass..i have things in common with quite a few of these people so i can personally see why they do what they do..maybe if people were not so judgemental of others and accepted that we are all unique and different and embrace those differences so much of this shit could be avoided but as i have seen most people dont see how there bullying or degrading another effects that person thru out ther lives..it def has affected me and as in many cases gotten people killed over it..society needs to be kinder to those they think different it could save many...it could have saved me from myself!

eblnyc
08-17-12, 8:47 pm
throughout this thread i have talked alot about my eating disorder but it is not the only problem i have...i suffer from antisocial behavior..it stems back from my childhood...as early as age 5 when i first started going to school..i remember i went to a sleepover party thing and got nervous for one reason or another and called my mom to pick me up..in my teen years it didnt affect me as bad thanks to drugs and alcohol i was quite the social fuckin butterfly but in my adult life sometimes it cripples me to the point where i wont leave my house with the exception of the gym and walking my dog wont call anyone or talk to anybody..my comfort level is only normal at home..lately i have been trying to combat this problem by making myself do things i wouldnt normally do like for instance starting an ABC at my gym having people call me so iam forced to be social..there are meds for this problem i refuse to take them they make u drowsy i cant be that way i got to much energy so i have had to think of ways to force myself to be more social than iam..it fuckin blows and i dont wish it on anyone..its like permanent stage fright...

eblnyc
08-20-12, 9:06 pm
two years ago a friend of mine killed himself and i was the one who found him with his face blown apart...it hit me really hard,seeing that shit was to much for me to handle so i lost it,stopped training stopped eating stopped talking to people its no wonder our boys come back from war and have pts..i was pretty calm though when i called 911 and the cops were surprised i held it together as well as i did..it threw me off my path that for sure and i have never shed one tear over it..i finally got myself back together and iam doing what i gotta do..it was a fuckin giant pothole and it took everything i had to crawel out of it....

eblnyc
02-17-15, 9:00 pm
Wow it been along time since I posted here. But i am back at it again. I know most people on this site are men , which is fine .maybe my words can help someone else who is a starvation freak or a fucking bulimic. It's twisted and sick to think that u can never be skinny enough. . At 98 pounds I wanted to be thinner. To bad that image in the mirror didn't slap me in the face a hundred times. I never want tobe that thin again ever. It would kill me tthis time for sure. It should have already. Lifting has saved me more than anyone could ever realize. I am def not the biggest or the strongest and i am not going to be in a fucking beauty contest but lifting and living the weight room is so much better than starving my self and stressing about food and calories or that i am fat or whatever. I fight with myself everyday to make sure I eat and I know it will always be a struggle. I was sick for to long not to. It's alright tho it makes my mind stronger. ,which is as important as my body. I will overcome.

deanna7272
02-17-15, 10:10 pm
Yes, you will overcome... And we are all here to walk beside you... Glad to see you posting again...

eblnyc
02-18-15, 6:10 am
Yes, you will overcome... And we are all here to walk beside you... Glad to see you posting again...

Thanks sister. The journey was still on even tho I was not here to post it.

deanna7272
02-18-15, 8:11 am
Thanks sister. The journey was still on even tho I was not here to post it.

I have no doubt... Our journeys never end...

eblnyc
03-04-15, 8:38 pm
This post is gonna be a little off my normal subject matter. I just have to bitch about something and since this is my thread Ian gonna do just that. I know that most of u out there are men and that's fine , but since when is animal only about men? I have bee. On this site off and on for 8 years. I lift as hard as any man in some cases heavier than some men. Animal has helped Me achieve my goals especially machine with his awesome and inspirational posts which are geared toward all men and women. I was on instagram asking why they don't have women's gear and the answer I got pissed me off royally. If animal is only about men then why the Fuck can I be on this site ?And be the coordinator of the Vermont abc? Animal is about strength athletes not just male athletes. well I hope it's that way. If not I will be really pissed off. U don't want to see me really pissed off u won't like it I can assure u of that.. I am done with that now.. bitch piss moan.

eblnyc
03-10-15, 8:55 pm
The conflict with in is very deep for me. Anyone who has an eating disorder struggles with body image. The sicker u become the more distorted that image becomes. I have re-read this thread on occasion, some people might think I feel better by doing this. I don't. I get more pissed. I am pissed at the injustices in my life but not just my life. Others who go thru this shit as well. I hate knowing that others are willing to starve themselves to death or put up with assholes who pick on them to make themselves feel better. It pissed me off to no end all the crap I read about that goes on in the world. People are so immune to all theproblems in the world it makes me sick. And worst of all nobody seems to care. I post on social networks about eating disorders and social phobia and bullying and nothing from anyone . Bastards don't give a shit until it happens to them then they might care. Damn I am ranting.the dilemma of the anorexic mind is how to be thinner and it takes over everything.the rage I feel has taken over it moves me forward to the next level. A better level that I can't getused to quite yet. My old mind set is still there of course creeping in the back of my mind and it does come out now and then.I hate when I start thinking crazy. Your fat and u need to lose more weigh and u eat to much and all that other shit. I can't go back to that. To be or not to be I choose not to be..

eblnyc
04-06-15, 7:19 pm
As a lot of people can gather from my writing Iam a very angry person. I don't like the world and I don't like a lot of people either. I walk around like a ticking time bomb. The anger is always there right under the surface. Say the wrong thing to me could set me off depending what mood Iam in. I can wake up pissed then as the day goes on I calm down or wake up alright and be pissed later on. I am comfortable with anger , sadness is foreign to me and I feel it's a wasted emotion. I can't even remember the last time I was sad. My anger helps me in the weight room without it my lifting would suck the big one. I need it to train just like I need loud crazy hardcore and metalmusic to train they go hand in hand . There's only one time of the day I am calm that is right after lifting ,a calm comes over me it last awhile maybe a few hours but it is the one time I am not pissed and wanting to punch someone or something or yell at someone. I have heard from people that I should let shit go and not let my past bother me,well I say Fuck that ,my rage is what pushes me to excel in the weight room and in life in general. If they don't like it well tough shit. This is who iam. Pissed off...

eblnyc
09-02-17, 8:42 pm
I look over this thread and man I am fucked up. My journey has continued and I get stronger every day I don't weigh what I should but I lift like a beast. As in have said in the past I have done damage to myself. Its ireversable which I have to live with . I have had an tooth pulled and have to have 3 more pulled this month. Eventually all of my top teeth will be pulled and I will be getting implants. My dentist tells me he can salvage my bottom teeth but the top teeth are beyond repair. It makes me angry but the only person I can blame is myself . I chose to not eat I chose to weigh 98 pounds I chose to think Ian fat when every bone in my body was sticking out and my clothes hung on my skeleton. I obsessed over the scale and the mirror and never liked what I saw and even now I look and not like what I see. These thoughts have never left me ,too fat , not pretty enuff need to lose weight. I fight the everyday and have for 11 years . it hasn't been easy but then again I do every thing the hard way and I am stubborn . I wouldn't learn if I wasn't. Anger and rage fuel me its a fire that cannot be put out and I don't want it to. It forges me down my path and keeps me in check . there's no bullshit here my brothers and sisters . set the road you travel on and let nothing stand in your way. Knock it down and keep going .

eblnyc
09-04-17, 10:20 pm
As a kid I was picked on by my fellow peers for being overweight. Ellen the watermelon was what they called me. I actually really wasn't that fat but they were relentless. I was a pretty happy kid unroll I started school then it all went to hell. Even to this day I am still affected by that time in my life. I still wish I would see those bastards and kick the shot out of them for what they did to me. It was wrong and I don't put up with it. I don't let people bully others. I won't have it in my world. Its as a lasting affect and can ruin someone's life. I feel bad for the kids. Now they have it worst than I ever did thanks to the web and text and social media the torment doesn't end you can't get away from it . its no wonder these victims of bullies kill themselves or become killers . u start to hate everyone and everything to the point where u go insane. Fucking assholes they do it to make themselves feel better preying on a smaller person or they think is weaker. Power can be very intoxicating to some. I find those fuckers vile and they need a good beating for picking on people. I hate bullies as much as I hate rapists and pedifiles. Motherfuckers u will get yours one day ...

Jay Nera
10-29-17, 2:11 pm
Bullies disgust me. I dont belive that people do things to be bad on purpose. I believe that everyone wants to be a good person. If bullies knew what their actions did over time i don't think they would do what they do. I blame parents and teachers for this.

This is a very heavy thread. Thank you for sharing this. I sense a strong degree of self responsibility and forward looking attitude from you. I love seeing this. You have replaced a negative addiction (anorexia) with a positive addiction(the iron). You hate what you did to yourself but you understand that what is done is done and that now you are stronger person, who aware of his mistakes, will never go down that path again. Sorry, i'll stop analyzing. I just found this an interesting read and hope you keep it up. Keep posting on here and sharing your journey. Real shit. Genuine. True Journey.