basketcase
11-30-08, 6:21 pm
This is a long post…I’ve got more baggage than the air-line industry during the Holidays. For those who take the time to read it, much appreciated. For those who take the time to reply and follow along, GREATLY APPRECIATED.
Basketcase’s Attempt To Break The Cycle
The purpose of this “Journey”:
For feedback. For guidance. For a kick in the ass. To keep me in check. I’m looking for those who have been there and done that, or for those who are doing it. Primary goal is to cut, I have entirely way too much fat, I lost ~60lb earlier this year, but took 3 months off, and now you’d look at me and really wonder if I did lose 60lb. I lost a lot of the muscle and replaced it with fat. It’s funny, what I did in 6 months was easily erased in 3.
The meaning behind the title:
My life has a way of repeating itself. Almost cyclical, going around and around, and certain times almost like ‘déjà vu’, like “I’ve been here before”. It isn’t a good thing. I have a way of self-destructing. I have never completed anything in my life, it has been easy for me to give up or just not try at all. Up until this year my motto was “you can’t fail if you don’t try”. At this point in my life, I need to break the cycle, or make a new one.
Some History or Why am I here:
I’ve always been the fat kid. My weight never bothered me as much as it seemed to bother others, but it has definitely held me back in my life and I don’t want it to be a reason why I can’t do something anymore. I recently up and moved out of state (from CO to CA), left family, friends and not a horrible life for something better. And it has been. I’m in the best place I could be right now, and professionally, I’m doing GREAT. Personally, I’m better than I was in CO, but I’m still fat. It’s the only thing left.
I walked into a store and saw myself on the little CCTV, and I thought to myself “wow, that’s how everyone sees me?” and knew I had to do something about it, because I was disgusted, and if I was, everyone else had to be. So at the beginning of 2k8, I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. The reason for the trainer was I knew I couldn’t do it alone -- need the motivation or the constant annoyance to make me keep with it, and I wanted someone to lay out the nutrition for me. My trainer was a woman who is 15 years older than me, half my weight and is able to lift 3x-4x times what I’m able to lift. You want to talk about a blow to the ego, never in my life have I felt more insignificant in my life. It was an eye-opening experience for me. I didn’t know I was this out of shape, and had I known, I would have done something sooner. So having met her, it has changed my view on women, though I do think she is the exception to the ‘norm’.
The Problems:
From the beginning it has been a struggle for me. I didn’t know what to expect going into this, I wonder if I had known what it would have been like if I would have done it…I am not sure if I would have. I trained with my trainer for 6 months, and then she got sick. It wasn’t an excuse for me to stop training, but I did. I tried it by myself and I felt lost. I worry about what others think, what others say, and being in the gym, standing out there for others to see how weak I am, totally messes with my mind and makes me want to stay away. I’ve read the threads where you should do your own thing, not worry about the others and just do your thing, but I can’t seem to. I know I have to now.
I am incredibly weak. In the beginning, I was a 308lb pussy. I am now a 248lb pussy. Not training these last 3 months, I’m afraid of how much weaker I am, and I can only hope that my body bounces back to where it was (though it was nothing to write home about). Because I am weak and as previously mentioned it is hard for me to want to go into the gym and display how weak I am. It is also hard for me to push myself without a partner as I can’t max out, because I am fearful I will get myself in a position that I can’t get the weight back up. Even from the beginning, I always had a problem finishing that last set. It seemed like the last 2-4 reps always kicked my ass, and required my trainer to come and save my ass.
So once you get past my ego, there are two other gorillas in the room. Stress and depression. I love my job, but it can be overwhelming and demanding causing me stress. Stress makes me want to eat…eat things I shouldn’t. Comfort food I guess. I stuck to my diet for a good length of time, cooking on the weekends, weighing my food, but there came a point where I just said ‘screw it’ and started eating crap I shouldn’t (shortly after I stopped training).
The depression is a beast in and of itself. I wish it upon no one. When I was younger people would tell me I need to be more active, get in the gym, lift some weights…I thought they were out of their mind. In the beginning of all of this, the gym allowed me to sort of clear my head and reset. Now it just gets in my head, or I get in my head. I lift, or try to lift and it gets to me…So I’m depressed and it’s easy to hide in food, and I get fat, and I’m depressed, so I eat, and I get fatter…and I’m depressed, and I eat…see the cycle? It sucks! I can tame it, I did while training…I just need to do it again.
I can make excuses every single day, some of them are valid, but most of the time it is just easier for me to say “oh I’ll do it tomorrow”. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of quitting, and I’m tired of being fat. I lost so much weight and inches NONE of my clothes fit me any longer, and they all hung off me. People at work were complimenting me; they were asking what I was taking, or what I had done to lose all that weight. I liked that feeling, it was a good place to be, but I’m not there anymore. My clothes are not tight on me yet, but they’re headed that direction and I’ll hate myself more if they get tight again.
The Goal:
60lb in 5 months. The weight is semi-irrelevant as I just want to get down to being thin. Whatever weight that ends up being. Once I thin down, I want to put on some size. No idea what that really means, I’ve just seen that once skinny, I will be tall and lanky, and I don’t want that. I believe 60lb is totally obtainable. I’ll have to train harder than I previously did, but more importantly, I will need to stick to my diet for those entire 5 months in order to reach my goal. If nothing else through all of this, I’ve learned that w/o a proper diet, working out is pointless.
Sorry for the lengthy introduction. I could write forever and a day, and in fact I have on my blog. Tons of baggage, just trying to work it all out. Like I said, just looking for those who have been there, done that and willing to help some young guy out of his life that is a hole.
I figure this is the first step. In the following posts I'll lay out what I believe will be my diet, and I'm still not sure how weights will play into all of this w/o my trainer, but I know there will be a shit-ton of cardio for the time being as I have to go home and face family after having not seen them for a year and want to slim down as much as possible.
Thanks!
Basketcase’s Attempt To Break The Cycle
The purpose of this “Journey”:
For feedback. For guidance. For a kick in the ass. To keep me in check. I’m looking for those who have been there and done that, or for those who are doing it. Primary goal is to cut, I have entirely way too much fat, I lost ~60lb earlier this year, but took 3 months off, and now you’d look at me and really wonder if I did lose 60lb. I lost a lot of the muscle and replaced it with fat. It’s funny, what I did in 6 months was easily erased in 3.
The meaning behind the title:
My life has a way of repeating itself. Almost cyclical, going around and around, and certain times almost like ‘déjà vu’, like “I’ve been here before”. It isn’t a good thing. I have a way of self-destructing. I have never completed anything in my life, it has been easy for me to give up or just not try at all. Up until this year my motto was “you can’t fail if you don’t try”. At this point in my life, I need to break the cycle, or make a new one.
Some History or Why am I here:
I’ve always been the fat kid. My weight never bothered me as much as it seemed to bother others, but it has definitely held me back in my life and I don’t want it to be a reason why I can’t do something anymore. I recently up and moved out of state (from CO to CA), left family, friends and not a horrible life for something better. And it has been. I’m in the best place I could be right now, and professionally, I’m doing GREAT. Personally, I’m better than I was in CO, but I’m still fat. It’s the only thing left.
I walked into a store and saw myself on the little CCTV, and I thought to myself “wow, that’s how everyone sees me?” and knew I had to do something about it, because I was disgusted, and if I was, everyone else had to be. So at the beginning of 2k8, I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. The reason for the trainer was I knew I couldn’t do it alone -- need the motivation or the constant annoyance to make me keep with it, and I wanted someone to lay out the nutrition for me. My trainer was a woman who is 15 years older than me, half my weight and is able to lift 3x-4x times what I’m able to lift. You want to talk about a blow to the ego, never in my life have I felt more insignificant in my life. It was an eye-opening experience for me. I didn’t know I was this out of shape, and had I known, I would have done something sooner. So having met her, it has changed my view on women, though I do think she is the exception to the ‘norm’.
The Problems:
From the beginning it has been a struggle for me. I didn’t know what to expect going into this, I wonder if I had known what it would have been like if I would have done it…I am not sure if I would have. I trained with my trainer for 6 months, and then she got sick. It wasn’t an excuse for me to stop training, but I did. I tried it by myself and I felt lost. I worry about what others think, what others say, and being in the gym, standing out there for others to see how weak I am, totally messes with my mind and makes me want to stay away. I’ve read the threads where you should do your own thing, not worry about the others and just do your thing, but I can’t seem to. I know I have to now.
I am incredibly weak. In the beginning, I was a 308lb pussy. I am now a 248lb pussy. Not training these last 3 months, I’m afraid of how much weaker I am, and I can only hope that my body bounces back to where it was (though it was nothing to write home about). Because I am weak and as previously mentioned it is hard for me to want to go into the gym and display how weak I am. It is also hard for me to push myself without a partner as I can’t max out, because I am fearful I will get myself in a position that I can’t get the weight back up. Even from the beginning, I always had a problem finishing that last set. It seemed like the last 2-4 reps always kicked my ass, and required my trainer to come and save my ass.
So once you get past my ego, there are two other gorillas in the room. Stress and depression. I love my job, but it can be overwhelming and demanding causing me stress. Stress makes me want to eat…eat things I shouldn’t. Comfort food I guess. I stuck to my diet for a good length of time, cooking on the weekends, weighing my food, but there came a point where I just said ‘screw it’ and started eating crap I shouldn’t (shortly after I stopped training).
The depression is a beast in and of itself. I wish it upon no one. When I was younger people would tell me I need to be more active, get in the gym, lift some weights…I thought they were out of their mind. In the beginning of all of this, the gym allowed me to sort of clear my head and reset. Now it just gets in my head, or I get in my head. I lift, or try to lift and it gets to me…So I’m depressed and it’s easy to hide in food, and I get fat, and I’m depressed, so I eat, and I get fatter…and I’m depressed, and I eat…see the cycle? It sucks! I can tame it, I did while training…I just need to do it again.
I can make excuses every single day, some of them are valid, but most of the time it is just easier for me to say “oh I’ll do it tomorrow”. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of quitting, and I’m tired of being fat. I lost so much weight and inches NONE of my clothes fit me any longer, and they all hung off me. People at work were complimenting me; they were asking what I was taking, or what I had done to lose all that weight. I liked that feeling, it was a good place to be, but I’m not there anymore. My clothes are not tight on me yet, but they’re headed that direction and I’ll hate myself more if they get tight again.
The Goal:
60lb in 5 months. The weight is semi-irrelevant as I just want to get down to being thin. Whatever weight that ends up being. Once I thin down, I want to put on some size. No idea what that really means, I’ve just seen that once skinny, I will be tall and lanky, and I don’t want that. I believe 60lb is totally obtainable. I’ll have to train harder than I previously did, but more importantly, I will need to stick to my diet for those entire 5 months in order to reach my goal. If nothing else through all of this, I’ve learned that w/o a proper diet, working out is pointless.
Sorry for the lengthy introduction. I could write forever and a day, and in fact I have on my blog. Tons of baggage, just trying to work it all out. Like I said, just looking for those who have been there, done that and willing to help some young guy out of his life that is a hole.
I figure this is the first step. In the following posts I'll lay out what I believe will be my diet, and I'm still not sure how weights will play into all of this w/o my trainer, but I know there will be a shit-ton of cardio for the time being as I have to go home and face family after having not seen them for a year and want to slim down as much as possible.
Thanks!