Ardent
10-04-09, 10:51 pm
I am not sure why I am sharing this here, mainly I suppose because I feel to. I do not share this with anyone in terms of "these are my troubles and this is how i persevere" Mind you im not complaining i know others have it worse and some better but im not worried about them this is me and what i got going on in this battle field called the human mind.
Maybe i just need to get this shit off my chest because i dont like talking in person . .. . . l would imagine like some of you, the gym is my temple and hitting the iron is praying. it is therapy, it is not an escape from reality but an opening back into reality. Into the now the present. Being completely conscious and aware not emerged in past or present just the moment, the feeling, the rep, the set, the lift! what a feeling, when one is truly one. Themselves.
My suffering. When once i leave this 1-2 hour window of Now i come back to "reality" as some might call it. Reality is after all perception. "it is what it is, it is what I make it" then i suffer i am trapped by the pain of the past i cannot let go am I weak? I am just human a flawed creature that must feel this terrible emotion. Emotions associated with what!? If this physical manifestation "life" is temporary naturally all involved is temporary as well. Relationships, girlfriends, wives, friends family and so on. . . . what im getting at. I am 23 years old when I was 17 my mother passed of a heroin over dose. At the age of 21 i was mugged by two men and was stabbed to death one punctured the lung and sliced the liver the other millimeters from my spine then i was snuffed with a garbage bag and left for dead. . . apparently they did not know what they were doing. 7 months ago my closest and best friend my stepfather, the man who instilled all that is good in me and showed me the world is not always such a dark place died of non hotchkins lymphoma and died a very slow painful cancer death. 5 months ago my aunt (my mothers sister) whom was like a mother to me was diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. She passed away a slow suffocating death in the hospital under the care of hospice as we all watched and could do nothing. To top it off two weeks before she passed my brother was in a car wreck and was ejected and died instantly but we could not tell my aunt for they were very close and the news would not help her in her state, why make her suffer further.
unbelievable? it feels as such to me when i take the time to think and feel which is why i dont. I would imagine there is some therapeutic value in sharing this with you all. Strangers, strangers with the same passion as I for bodybuilding. I took the step to see a therapist from hospice a week ago for the first time and she said it would help to share and write so I am. They offer it for free for a year good thing as i have no insurance. I dont know how to feel nor grieve but i am learning. i thought i was being strong but i was not. I know strength is accepting emotion and dealing with it and i am trying. not running from the pain but embracing and understanding and pressing forward. I know i will push past this. . . . . I must.
Maybe i just need to get this shit off my chest because i dont like talking in person . .. . . l would imagine like some of you, the gym is my temple and hitting the iron is praying. it is therapy, it is not an escape from reality but an opening back into reality. Into the now the present. Being completely conscious and aware not emerged in past or present just the moment, the feeling, the rep, the set, the lift! what a feeling, when one is truly one. Themselves.
My suffering. When once i leave this 1-2 hour window of Now i come back to "reality" as some might call it. Reality is after all perception. "it is what it is, it is what I make it" then i suffer i am trapped by the pain of the past i cannot let go am I weak? I am just human a flawed creature that must feel this terrible emotion. Emotions associated with what!? If this physical manifestation "life" is temporary naturally all involved is temporary as well. Relationships, girlfriends, wives, friends family and so on. . . . what im getting at. I am 23 years old when I was 17 my mother passed of a heroin over dose. At the age of 21 i was mugged by two men and was stabbed to death one punctured the lung and sliced the liver the other millimeters from my spine then i was snuffed with a garbage bag and left for dead. . . apparently they did not know what they were doing. 7 months ago my closest and best friend my stepfather, the man who instilled all that is good in me and showed me the world is not always such a dark place died of non hotchkins lymphoma and died a very slow painful cancer death. 5 months ago my aunt (my mothers sister) whom was like a mother to me was diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. She passed away a slow suffocating death in the hospital under the care of hospice as we all watched and could do nothing. To top it off two weeks before she passed my brother was in a car wreck and was ejected and died instantly but we could not tell my aunt for they were very close and the news would not help her in her state, why make her suffer further.
unbelievable? it feels as such to me when i take the time to think and feel which is why i dont. I would imagine there is some therapeutic value in sharing this with you all. Strangers, strangers with the same passion as I for bodybuilding. I took the step to see a therapist from hospice a week ago for the first time and she said it would help to share and write so I am. They offer it for free for a year good thing as i have no insurance. I dont know how to feel nor grieve but i am learning. i thought i was being strong but i was not. I know strength is accepting emotion and dealing with it and i am trying. not running from the pain but embracing and understanding and pressing forward. I know i will push past this. . . . . I must.