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Ardent
10-04-09, 11:51 pm
I am not sure why I am sharing this here, mainly I suppose because I feel to. I do not share this with anyone in terms of "these are my troubles and this is how i persevere" Mind you im not complaining i know others have it worse and some better but im not worried about them this is me and what i got going on in this battle field called the human mind.
Maybe i just need to get this shit off my chest because i dont like talking in person . .. . . l would imagine like some of you, the gym is my temple and hitting the iron is praying. it is therapy, it is not an escape from reality but an opening back into reality. Into the now the present. Being completely conscious and aware not emerged in past or present just the moment, the feeling, the rep, the set, the lift! what a feeling, when one is truly one. Themselves.
My suffering. When once i leave this 1-2 hour window of Now i come back to "reality" as some might call it. Reality is after all perception. "it is what it is, it is what I make it" then i suffer i am trapped by the pain of the past i cannot let go am I weak? I am just human a flawed creature that must feel this terrible emotion. Emotions associated with what!? If this physical manifestation "life" is temporary naturally all involved is temporary as well. Relationships, girlfriends, wives, friends family and so on. . . . what im getting at. I am 23 years old when I was 17 my mother passed of a heroin over dose. At the age of 21 i was mugged by two men and was stabbed to death one punctured the lung and sliced the liver the other millimeters from my spine then i was snuffed with a garbage bag and left for dead. . . apparently they did not know what they were doing. 7 months ago my closest and best friend my stepfather, the man who instilled all that is good in me and showed me the world is not always such a dark place died of non hotchkins lymphoma and died a very slow painful cancer death. 5 months ago my aunt (my mothers sister) whom was like a mother to me was diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. She passed away a slow suffocating death in the hospital under the care of hospice as we all watched and could do nothing. To top it off two weeks before she passed my brother was in a car wreck and was ejected and died instantly but we could not tell my aunt for they were very close and the news would not help her in her state, why make her suffer further.
unbelievable? it feels as such to me when i take the time to think and feel which is why i dont. I would imagine there is some therapeutic value in sharing this with you all. Strangers, strangers with the same passion as I for bodybuilding. I took the step to see a therapist from hospice a week ago for the first time and she said it would help to share and write so I am. They offer it for free for a year good thing as i have no insurance. I dont know how to feel nor grieve but i am learning. i thought i was being strong but i was not. I know strength is accepting emotion and dealing with it and i am trying. not running from the pain but embracing and understanding and pressing forward. I know i will push past this. . . . . I must.

BryanSmash!
10-05-09, 8:59 am
It's alot to push past, but you appear to have the ability. Dealing with shit is never easy, especially in your case. Finding solice in the weights, whether it makes you feel, or makes you forget to feel, can only help.

BubbyLight
10-05-09, 9:19 am
wow. bro. uve had it rough. i give you mad props for making it thru all lifes struggles. luck is just not on ur side. but get at that weight

Ardent
10-06-09, 9:20 pm
Yeah some might say rough. Iv had a change of perspective in the last week and realize everything is what i make it. Just need to look for the positive in every situation and put %110 of myself into all that I do. Positive thoughts=positive emotions=positive actions= yield positive experience and outcomes is how im looking at it. I know the knowledge is one thing but having the wisdom to apply it is what im working on. Stay Animal.

BryanSmash!
10-07-09, 1:49 am
Yeah some might say rough. Iv had a change of perspective in the last week and realize everything is what i make it. Just need to look for the positive in every situation and put %110 of myself into all that I do. Positive thoughts=positive emotions=positive actions= yield positive experience and outcomes is how im looking at it. I know the knowledge is one thing but having the wisdom to apply it is what im working on. Stay Animal.

^Good attitude to have.

mcbeast
10-07-09, 3:27 am
^Good attitude to have.

Agreed.

My condolences for your loss. The world is not a perfect place as we all know. Keep doing what your doing, only time can heal. Like stated by another, "get at that weight". Its what we do best.