PDA

View Full Version : Sam Byrd's "Arnold Survival Guide"



Universal Rep
01-23-13, 5:16 pm
The 2009 Arnold Classic marked my fifth voyage to Columbus, Ohio to revel in the largest celebration of brawn, beauty, and spandex in the world. This year was different though. Rexor, my heterosexual life mate who joined the Army over the summer and is still out playing grab-ass in woods with all the other soldier boys, couldn't make the trip with me this year. The rest of the usual crew has been hit hard by the economy and couldn't make it either.

Not wanting to make the nine hour drive by myself, I informed my fiancée she was going with me this year. Normally, the last thing you should do, if you want to stay in a relationship, is bring your woman with you to a weekend full of tight booties in spandex. Luckily, I managed to find a wonderful woman with low expectations who lets me be me most of the time. Still, I felt the need to prepare her for what the weekend had in store for us. What follows is a survival guide I have prepared for the Arnold Classic Weekend for all those who plan to attend next year and want to make the most of your trip.


RULE #5: Bring a gas mask.
With tens of thousands of bodybuilders trying to meet their daily protein requirements and greedily sample every brand and flavor on display, the Arnold Expo can be a dangerous place for the unsuspecting observer. As the sample plates of protein bars dwindle, there is a corresponding increase in the level of the consumer's intestinal pressure. The result of this increased intestinal pressure from protein digestion overload is activation of the body's automatic pressure release valve and an ensuing stench more overpowering than that of a rotting corpse. There really should be Hazardous and Combustible Material warnings at every entrance. If someone lit a match, we would all be goners.

What makes this unpleasant scenario even worse is the fact that the thirty-thousand plus square foot convention center is cram-packed elbow to elbow worse than the LA freeway at rush hour. Once you accidently walk into one of those Volkswagen-sized fart bubbles, you are trapped there by the crowd with no way to escape. I have both been in that situation myself as well as witnessed the look of sheer panic and terror on the faces of those unfortunate souls as they scramble unsuccessfully for a way out.

I can't even begin to describe the putrid cloud of odor produced during the day so it is better you are prepared so you never have to encounter it yourself. Bring a gas mask. In the Marine Corps we were told we had eight seconds to don and clear the mask once under attack, but the gases at the expo move much quicker and I suspect one would only have three to five seconds from the moment of encounter. If you can't get your hands on a mask or think you are not fast enough to use it effectively, do not fear. The other option is one I picked up years ago--Vicks vapor rub. Put a finger full of this effervescent menthol up each nostril to help filter out and over-ride the pungent gaseous fumes of undigested protein, and reapply as needed.



This is a classic article fellas. For Big Byrd's other six rules.... http://animalpak.com/html/article_details.cfm?ID=430&section=

Razor
01-23-13, 5:45 pm
The 2009 Arnold Classic marked my fifth voyage to Columbus, Ohio to revel in the largest celebration of brawn, beauty, and spandex in the world. This year was different though. Rexor, my heterosexual life mate who joined the Army over the summer and is still out playing grab-ass in woods with all the other soldier boys, couldn't make the trip with me this year. The rest of the usual crew has been hit hard by the economy and couldn't make it either.

Not wanting to make the nine hour drive by myself, I informed my fiancée she was going with me this year. Normally, the last thing you should do, if you want to stay in a relationship, is bring your woman with you to a weekend full of tight booties in spandex. Luckily, I managed to find a wonderful woman with low expectations who lets me be me most of the time. Still, I felt the need to prepare her for what the weekend had in store for us. What follows is a survival guide I have prepared for the Arnold Classic Weekend for all those who plan to attend next year and want to make the most of your trip.


RULE #5: Bring a gas mask.
With tens of thousands of bodybuilders trying to meet their daily protein requirements and greedily sample every brand and flavor on display, the Arnold Expo can be a dangerous place for the unsuspecting observer. As the sample plates of protein bars dwindle, there is a corresponding increase in the level of the consumer's intestinal pressure. The result of this increased intestinal pressure from protein digestion overload is activation of the body's automatic pressure release valve and an ensuing stench more overpowering than that of a rotting corpse. There really should be Hazardous and Combustible Material warnings at every entrance. If someone lit a match, we would all be goners.

What makes this unpleasant scenario even worse is the fact that the thirty-thousand plus square foot convention center is cram-packed elbow to elbow worse than the LA freeway at rush hour. Once you accidently walk into one of those Volkswagen-sized fart bubbles, you are trapped there by the crowd with no way to escape. I have both been in that situation myself as well as witnessed the look of sheer panic and terror on the faces of those unfortunate souls as they scramble unsuccessfully for a way out.

I can't even begin to describe the putrid cloud of odor produced during the day so it is better you are prepared so you never have to encounter it yourself. Bring a gas mask. In the Marine Corps we were told we had eight seconds to don and clear the mask once under attack, but the gases at the expo move much quicker and I suspect one would only have three to five seconds from the moment of encounter. If you can't get your hands on a mask or think you are not fast enough to use it effectively, do not fear. The other option is one I picked up years ago--Vicks vapor rub. Put a finger full of this effervescent menthol up each nostril to help filter out and over-ride the pungent gaseous fumes of undigested protein, and reapply as needed.



This is a classic article fellas. For Big Byrd's other six rules.... http://animalpak.com/html/article_details.cfm?ID=430&section=


HAHA oh man how did i miss this. Just that first paragraph in gas mask made me tear up in laughter.

GUNS
01-23-13, 5:57 pm
Great article! Big Byrd has a great outlook on this! Opened my eyes up even more!

deanna7272
01-23-13, 6:55 pm
Ohhhh you are in for one helluva weekend!!!

mritter3
01-23-13, 8:25 pm
Lol, pretty much sums it up

Phil800101
01-24-13, 2:31 am
Classic...I laughed my ass off the first time I read this.

Ragin Asian
01-24-13, 8:04 am
That's awesome! I never get tired of reading his article. LOL!

Powerswitch likes to drag me along thru the expo whenever we get a chance to use me as the "fart bubble" decoy. Quite embarrassing when he does it while I'm trying to get pics taken with favorite celebs. :(

Bruiser
01-24-13, 8:09 am
Don't forget Wendler's "Arnold BINGO". Lol. This one kills me.

http://articles.elitefts.com/features/iron-brothers/entertainment-at-the-arnold-b-i-n-g-o/

J-Dawg
01-24-13, 9:03 am
LOL. A classic article by Big Byrd.

kcburrows
01-24-13, 9:06 am
definitely a classic, if your not laughing your ass off after reading it, its only because you have never experienced the arnold!! once you do you realize just how much truth is in this thing!!!

deanna7272
01-24-13, 9:55 am
Don't forget Wendler's "Arnold BINGO". Lol. This one kills me.

http://articles.elitefts.com/features/iron-brothers/entertainment-at-the-arnold-b-i-n-g-o/

Cracking up at the truth...
Nice addition...

GUNS
01-24-13, 10:02 am
Ill be sharing all these with Mrs.Guns, she will surely get a kick out of them all!

Universal Rep
01-24-13, 11:04 am
Ill be sharing all these with Mrs.Guns, she will surely get a kick out of them all!

Or, she will just kick u...

rbowman91
02-11-13, 1:48 pm
how about another no-hand squat?

Universal Rep
02-11-13, 2:49 pm
how about another no-hand squat?

Big Byrd has other commitments this year I believe... Look forward to 2014.

J-Dawg
02-11-13, 4:49 pm
how about another no-hand squat?


Big Byrd has other commitments this year I believe... Look forward to 2014.

World record no-hand squat in 2014?

Universal Rep
02-13-13, 9:32 am
World record no-hand squat in 2014?

Theres a WR for that??