a deeper look into a demented mind

[eblnyc]

the anorexic mind is quite complex and twisted to say the least..i have been tinkering with idea of starting a log about my recovery as a way of dealing with it..let me tell you this has not been easy for me,eating is the hardest thing i have to do..every day is a fuckin struggle to get all those meals in..even now i obess over every crumb i put into my mouth. I have to tell myself you never gonna get stronger without all that food..sometimes it works and sometimes not...as time passes my mind has become more clear to whats real not the imaginary fat chic in the mirror..she doesn't exist..i will start from the beginning and work my way to the present as this log progresses..believe me it won't be pretty at times and my selfloathing will shine through but iam doing this for me..

[widdlewade44]

I feel your hardship...I honor your courage with what you are going through and how far you have traveled.

Kevin
widdlewade44

[Weakness]

Strenght and courage, you are not alone.

[Cellerator65]

speak your mind, we are all here to listen and help

[sanga]

the anorexic mind is quite complex and twisted to say the least..i have been tinkering with idea of starting a log about my recovery as a way of dealing with it..let me tell you this has not been easy for me,eating is the hardest thing i have to do..every day is a fuckin struggle to get all those meals in..even now i obess over every crumb i put into my mouth. I have to tell myself you never gonna get stronger without all that food..sometimes it works and sometimes not...as time passes my mind has become more clear to whats real not the imaginary fat chic in the mirror..she doesn't exist..i will start from the beginning and work my way to the present as this log progresses..believe me it won't be pretty at times and my selfloathing will shine through but iam doing this for me..

I urge you very strongly to start a log mate, do it today, write your thoughts, experiences and feelings, we will read it, comment, add some advice, sympathise and be behind you all the way.

Full respect to you mate, I know this isn`t easy, starting a log will give you a place to vent, talk, think and reflect on daily, it will keep you motivated and focussed on your goals.

GO FOR IT!

[Malloy1344]

consider me subbed.

[Vinny G]

a deeper look into a demented mind ?

your not demented.....your one of us, an ANIMAL.

your on the right path, and we got your back.

[Lowdown5]

Subbed.

[Hercules]

...i am doing this for me..

That's what matters most. We're all behind you every step of the way...

[Themostocles]

The closest thing I have to a sister is/was bulemic. Most people see it as insane, but is often a normal reaction to a fucked up situation. Your mind/heart should have never been placed in that situation, and it goes 'what the fuck' and doesn't know how to react. Besides society sees most of us as demented. Like GDiesel said, muscle dysmorphia is a bitch. I know everytime I look in the mirror I see something that isn't true. You got thousands of animals to stand beside you or help you up if you fall. -T.

[eblnyc]

i didnt always live in nyc..i grew up in ct in a very wealthy town..my parents had alot of money..all the kids i went to school with were from money too..i never quite fit in with any of them.i was overweight and the kids were fuckin mean as hell to me..i could never figure out why but they were but i got even with all of them but thats later on..anyways i took there shit for a very long time plus i was taking shit at home too..my dad was always up my ass about being overweight and every other fuckin thing i did..the funny thing is he was never home,one week a month he was there other than that he was in florida fucking his girlfriend or in maine at his other businesses..i never really saw him but when i did it was a nightmare..god this is harder than i thought it would be..i still remember being called ellen the watermelon like it was yesterday..(fuckers)

[Themostocles]

Take your time. Sharing memories means reliving them, and that is never easy. -T.

[killyouintheface]

the anorexic mind is quite complex and twisted to say the least..i have been tinkering with idea of starting a log about my recovery as a way of dealing with it..let me tell you this has not been easy for me,eating is the hardest thing i have to do..every day is a fuckin struggle to get all those meals in..even now i obess over every crumb i put into my mouth. I have to tell myself you never gonna get stronger without all that food..sometimes it works and sometimes not...as time passes my mind has become more clear to whats real not the imaginary fat chic in the mirror..she doesn't exist..i will start from the beginning and work my way to the present as this log progresses..believe me it won't be pretty at times and my selfloathing will shine through but iam doing this for me..

I know a little bit about struggle. About looking in the mirror and hating the person looking back at you.

Change is hard, and it is seldom a pretty or graceful process. As you go along your path, you will learn the value of struggle, of forging yourself into something of your own making. Be at peace, Animal.

[eblnyc]

my parents split up when i was 12..i will never forget it..it was christamas and i have hated that fuckin holiday ever since..things were tough on my mom because her whole marriage she was a housewife and dad was the wealthy one..so i went from having everything to having nothing in the blink of an eye..this was the beginning of the new phase in my life..i started partying at 14 like a rock star and my anger toward everyone escalated,my freshman year in high school i was suspended 5 times alone for fighting that was when i went to school..i beat the shit out of so many of the people who used to tease me when i was little..i swear if shooting people at school was as popular then as it is now i would have done that shit then..my anger and drug use was so out of control that even i got into a fight with my mom and decked her too..i was sent away after that incident..

[Lowdown5]

my parents split up when i was 12..i will never forget it..it was christamas and i have hated that fuckin holiday ever since..things were tough on my mom because her whole marriage she was a housewife and dad was the wealthy one..so i went from having everything to having nothing in the blink of an eye..this was the beginning of the new phase in my life..i started partying at 14 like a rock star and my anger toward everyone escalated,my freshman year in high school i was suspended 5 times alone for fighting that was when i went to school..i beat the shit out of so many of the people who used to tease me when i was little..i swear if shooting people at school was as popular then as it is now i would have done that shit then..my anger and drug use was so out of control that even i got into a fight with my mom and decked her too..i was sent away after that incident..

Great look inside your mind...............

[eblnyc]

Great look inside your mind...............

it will get more fucked up as i go along..i got alot of skeletons in my closet big pimpin..

[Lowdown5]

it will get more fucked up as i go along..i got alot of skeletons in my closet big pimpin..

Me too, alot!!!!

[Big Wides]

consider me subbed here, thanks for letting us into your life

and you dont have a demented mind, your a strong person ellen

[Phil800101]

Consider me subbed.

I know this must not be an easy thing to open up about and share with others. Thank you for sharing with us, nothing but respect to you for doing so, it takes a lot of courage I'm sure. You've got all our support here.

[eblnyc]

its one thing to sign yourself in to a treatment facility but to be sent there when you are unwilling is another ball of wax all together..after i hit my mom,my parents both decided i needed to be sent away for treatment..i told them good luck keeping me there..the first treatment place i was sent to was a lockdown facility..no escape..i was there for three months and the doctors decided that another program would be more suitable so i was moved to a group home but within two weeks i took off with one of the councelor's cars because i wanted to go to a concert and nobody was stopping me..i was arrested for that and off to juvi i went..i spent 6 months of a two year sentence for auto theft and was released to drug rehab..i ran away from that place too..fuck all i wanted to do was go home..finally my mom and the courts decided i could be realeased into my mom care as long as i still went though treatment,so i lived at home but went to a school that was a treatment place as well until my 18th b-day..if i fucked up i was going away to prison for a long time..this stage was about the time i started toying with starvation..rehab and juvi make you fat..